What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 00:24
So whats the point in blame.
She wouldn,t have been !
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She married twice! .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My life is so biszare .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I have no regrets .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Why do men think I’m easy just by looking at me?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was scared of men, in general
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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(And it was in our own minds.)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I could never make a relationship work though!
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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I couldn’t, believe it.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I don,t even have a pension.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I will be 64.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I write beautiful poetry .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was 9 years of age.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Would this be the day?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was very sick at this time too.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I said to her
All the time i was locked up.
I was seconnd youngest,
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Ive learnt so much.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
This is soul school!.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She loved him until the end.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
When she asked me how she looked .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Especially a lifetime of it.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And i lived it daily.
Put me off passion for life!!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My family never makes their pension either.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She was in good health!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
What did i know ?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Im still living with it.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
One cannot live in the past .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I think the readers, may guess!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Who then, do I blame.?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But it wasn’t much.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
So, i spoilt her more .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He resisted the act ,that day.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
It was going to be , some day.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Where the ultimate outsiders.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We all went to grammer schools
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She found it foreign!.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Comes on , in middle age.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We were not on the streets..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But, we were locked up after school.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He knew the spot.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I waited trembling.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.